Smoke from a fire coming from the west, near Mariposa.
Didn’t feel like I was connecting with the team. We stopped for a break at 10am and decided we would take lunch somewhere on the trail between 11:30–12, however that was the last I saw of Happy Feet until 1:15.
There was a climb up, filtering of water with Koala, LL and Blis. Then Blis took off and I was following Koala and LL. Then I decided to navigate around a pond differently. I told LL I was going another way, but she didn’t hear me. And then I followed a snow trail instead of the Pct trail. While that was all happening, my team had decided to lunch at a spot on the trail. Had I passed them? I thought they were ahead of me so I hiked on, trying to catch up. It wasn’t until 11:45 am, after hiking up a pass, that I started shouting out down into the canyon “woot woot,” our call to each other. I finally saw Koala and LL hiking across the snow field below. They called back. I waited and waited but no-one joined me for lunch. I hiked down, “woot woot?” “Woot woot?” I heard in return, “stop!!”
(Rock kern skull still-life that led me away from my tramily.)
I finally gave up trying to lunch with my companions and found a solo tree with just enough shade to hide under while eating tortillas with peanut butter and chocolate. Around 1:15pm, Blis and Happy Feet came by my lunch spot.
“What the hell happened?” I asked.
They replied, “Why didn’t you stop!” they looked disappointed and without much discussion, continued forward.
I started bawling, and raced after them, “if you guys are fucking trying to ditch me, you can at least tell me to my face!”
This wasn’t the case, but it was how it all made me feel, as it triggered old childhood feelings of abandonment when I was teased and ditched by my older sisters and childhood neighbors. Now, here I am, 45 years old, feeling and emotionally reacting like a ten year old. Not cool.
And then I got my damn period.
Great. What a great combo.
Now I am in Lake Tahoe. After taking some time to shop for a town dress at the goodwill with koala, buying a 1000 piece puzzle for LL, and grocery shopping for ingredients with the team to make a home cooked meal, I feel at peace again with my hiking companions. After taking some vitamin I, and getting a text from the tramily from all you can eat sushi “look, your spirit animal in a roll,” I felt the love and friendship for my friends again.
Koala was able to score us all a place to stay, away from the hub bub of town, and after showering, eating homemade pizza, pork loin, and a fresh salad, I fell asleep as if I had never slept so peacefully in my life.
I can’t believe I have 1500 more miles to hike. We are going to need to ram up the mileage to 25-30 a day. I want to learn how to let go of resentments, as I am aware, especially after the lunch fiasco, that I hold onto them for long periods of time, and this is unhealthy and unfair to me and my group.
We are going to plan the rest of the 1500 miles today. I am going to talk to my team about how we can be more flexible with our daily hikes while continuing to be a team. Perhaps impossible, given the physical demands, but I would enjoy the trail more if I could wake up at 6am, rather than 5am, stop once and awhile to meditate and paint, making up that time by hiking later into the day. Most of my team are early risers. I am not. Having to get up early makes me resent hiking. At the same time, when I wake up and hike earlier, I am happy that I have gotten 10 miles in by 11am. So what is best for me? It is hard to know and I feel a lot of conflicting messages racing through me. I want flexibility, but I might not have any flexibility left since we are now under the gun to hike the most miles possible to make it to Canada before October.